


Raw Vegans

by HidansCrazyLaugh



Category: Naruto
Genre: Crack, Gen, Suicidal Thoughts, Swearing, Wasting Food, extreme vegans, homicidal actions, idiocy, rated R for ridiculous
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-13
Updated: 2018-03-14
Packaged: 2019-03-31 01:03:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,511
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13964001
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HidansCrazyLaugh/pseuds/HidansCrazyLaugh
Summary: Deidara and Sasori are raw vegans who blackmail their new roommate Hidan into becoming one as they are very concerned for his health due to his poor eating habits, he thinks they are trying to kill him.





	1. Part 1

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know what possessed me to write this but I did and I'm sorry. I also don't care what other people eat, please don't be offended either way with this. It has been inspired by JP Sears.

“What the fuck is this?” Hidan demanded, spitting out the bite of cookie he just bit into. It was like eating cardboard and weighed a ton. The center was raw and he tossed it back onto the plate on the table.

“It’s called a cookie, dumbass.” Deidara flipped his hair, “They are almost raw vegan chocolate chip cookies packed with vegetables and nutrients.” 

“Disgusting!” Hidan stuck his tongue out and wiped the remaining crumbs off of it and spit into a napkin, there was something orange in it and a green thing, too, “Where the hell did you find such an abomination? If you went to Whole Foods again, if you paid money for this I’ll-”

“I made them, hm! And we don’t shop at Whole Foods, there are too many rays in there.”

“Well, never make them again, those are the nastiest things I’ve ever eaten.”

“And you didn’t even eat it! You spit it out!” 

“Yeah and it’s a good thing, I was about to fucking puke!” Hidan shoved his way past Deidara to get into the kitchen and rinsed his mouth with the tap water.

“You shouldn’t drink that, the PH is all wrong, tap water causes cancer.” Deidara lectured as he took a cookie from the plate and started to eat it, “You need to drink alkaline water, hm.”

“I need to drink some coffee is what I need to drink. Ugh, I’ve had this fucking headache since I moved in last week.” Hidan sighed, his roommates told him it was because the air inside the house was so ‘pure’ and ‘clean’ and ‘positively charged’ and he just wasn’t used to it yet but he thought it was more that they were constantly using several different essential oils in every room 24 hours a day, non stop and used salt rock lamps instead of real light bulbs so it was always hard to see at night and everything had a pink glow. Hidan got the coffee maker from under the sink and tried to find a place to put it but as he looked at the counter, there was no room. There was a pile of carrot peels and a container of date paste on the counter, along with an assortment of other flours from things that were not wheat and ingredients Hidan didn’t know the names of, “You gonna clean this up soon?”

“Yeah, I’ll do it later, I’m eating now, hm.”

“You’re going to be sick later if you keep eating those things.” Hidan muttered, and pushed everything out of the way to make room for coffee.

Deidara just rolled his eyes and took the plate of cookies to the bedroom he shared with Sasori, “Hey, I made cookies.”

“Hmm…is there any sugar in it?” Sasori asked as his hand hovered above the plate.

“No, of course not, hm, what do I look like, an idiot?” 

Sasori took one and bit into it, “These are great, I can’t believe they’re not even real cookies. They’re just like real cookies. I can even taste the chocolate chips!” 

Deidara couldn’t tell if he was being sarcastic or not but didn’t want to deal with it if he was, so he ignored Sasori, “Yeah, I used raisins for chocolate chips, they’re practically the same thing.”

“I agree.” Sasori said as he took another one, “You know, we should make some raw vegan cookies later, using only carrots.”

“That’s a good idea, the crunch of the carrots will fool the mind into thinking they’re really crispy cookies.”

They sat on the bed eating for a few minutes, enjoying the soothing sound of the little desktop waterfall on the nightstand before a smell wafted in.

“What’s that?” Deidara asked a few minutes later.

“Smells like…” 

Sasori and Deidara exchanged horrified looks before running into the kitchen, Deidara was screaming, “What are you doing, hm?! You can’t do that here!!”

“You cro magnum man! Does an animal have to die everytime you want something to eat!?” Sasori demanded, grabbing the frying pan from the stove, dumping the bacon into the sink while running water over it and using a spoon to shove it down into the garbage disposal.

“What the fuck is wrong with you two?!” Hidan was furious, they had just wasted his bacon!

“We’re saving the animals!” Deidara yelled, “What is wrong with you, hm?!”

“Saving…? Saving the fucking pig that was already DEAD?!” Hidan shouted, “You just wasted food, you wasted an animals life, it gave it’s life so I could eat and you washed it down the fucking drain!”

“Here. You may eat these. You see, Hidan, man did not evolve to eat animals, it’s really unnecessary these days, there are so many other, better options.” Sasori said, handing Hidan two frozen patties of what could only be described, in his opinion, as looking like a pile of cow shit that had been compressed into a hockey puck shape, he was pretty sure there was even a piece of hay sticking out of them…or grass, either way it was something that did not belong in food.

Hidan held them, staring at them, “What…the fuck…is this?”

“They’re vegan sausage patties, fry those up and eat them instead. It might not be considered raw, but at least it’s vegan.” Sasori even got him out a clean, new pan that was not covered in an animals fat.

“I’m about to join Zetsu and become a cannibal and start with the two of you!” Hidan poured an unhealthy amount of oil into the pan and threw the patties in, he was so hungry he didn’t care what he was eating at that moment, how bad could they really be?

Once they were done, Hidan looked at them, they didn’t smell bad, but…it wasn’t the smell of meat, just lots of herbs, he took a bite anyways, and immediately spit it back out, “Oh Jashin.” He gasped, trying not to gag.

“Was it too hot?” Sasori asked.

“No! It tastes like shit!” Hidan shouted, “It was like taking a bite of hay and dirt! I’m out of here.” He grabbed his wallet and walked out the door.

“He’s going to die of a heart attack before he’s even forty…” Deidara sighed, very upset that Hidan had no interest in his own health.

“No, he’s more likely to die in a back alley in a knife fight in the next six months than live into his thirties.” Sasori pointed out.

When Hidan returned he had a reusable shopping bag with him and was confronted by Sasori and Deidara at the door.

“What’s in the bag, hm?” Deidara stood there, blocking his way with arms crossed at his chest.

“Food.” 

“We cannot allow any animal products past this point.” Sasori told him, “Deidara is so distressed by your obvious lack of concern for your own well being and that of the animals you are killing that he meditated for the last two hours you’ve been gone to try to infuse your being with positivity and light.”

“Huh, well, I felt some tingling in my left hand while I was eating my bacon donut cheeseburger.”

Deidara turned a shade of green, “Oh my god, Hidan…that sounds disgusting. I feel sick. Tell me you did not eat that.”

“I think that’s a sign of a heart attack…” Sasori said to himself.

“Yeah, I ate it! And I felt sick after eating your disgusting shitty cookies and vegan sausages!” 

“You didn’t even eat them! You spit them out!” Deidara screamed, “Don’t you care about your health?! Don’t you care about the lives of the animals you eat?!”

Sasori wrapped an arm around Deidara and gently pet his hair, “Look at him, kind, sweet, loving Deidara who has never done anything wrong, standing here near to tears because you are slowly killing yourself by polluting your body with that filth you call food. When will you wake up? It’s a slow suicide, the way you eat, Hidan.”

“Blah, blah, blah. Poor, sweet Deidei can jump off a fucking bridge, get outta my face, both of you before I…” He reached into the grocery bag and took out a carton of full fat ice cream and took the lid off, “Eat this in front of you!!” He licked the top of the ice cream and Deidara gasped.

“Take that outside!” Sasori demanded, “This is a cruelty free zone!”

“Oh come off your high horse, shitheads. Nothing died for this.” Hidan licked the ice cream again

“You don’t understand the dairy industry.” Sasori said, “They separate the calves from the mothers and milk them by machines day and night! That baby cow never gets to see it’s mother, how is that not cruel?” 

“Shut the fuck up, ginger.” Hidan said, “If you’re quiet…you can hear the baby cow mooing for his mommy.” He laughed maniacally and licked the ice cream again, “Oh yeah, tears of baby cows, delicious!”

“You are disgusting! I’m kicking you out!” Sasori shouted.

“Like hell you are, I paid for the month already! I’ll call the cops!” Hidan lunged forward and licked Sasori’s face, getting saliva and ice cream all over it. 

Deidara stared in shock and Sasori, after collecting himself, kicked the shopping bag and container of ice cream out of Hidan’s hand and it went flying out the front door, packages of bacon, a bag of bread that was full of gluten, and another carton of ice cream, filled with the tears of baby cows, flew through the air and hit the car.

A woman jogging by slowed to watch and then ran faster when she heard Hidan screaming obscenities at Sasori.

Deidara and Sasori watched as Hidan’s face turned red and then purple with rage and lack of oxygen before he suddenly stopped screaming and clutched his chest in pain and grabbed the door for support.

Deidara called 911 to report a man having a heart attack, “Because he’s a garbage disposal that eats everything! Oh my god, hurry! I think he’s dying!”

“Deidara, stop screaming, your chakra is going out of control.” Sasori took the phone and calmly told the 911 operator their address. 

While Hidan was at the emergency room, racking up a huge bill he would never be able to pay, and getting checked for heart attack and stroke, Deidara and Sasori took it upon themselves and went through the kitchen, throwing away anything that was processed, pre-packaged, containing animal products, sugar, wheat or gluten, all the while commenting on Hidan’s poor eating habits.

“No wonder he collapsed, I wouldn’t be surprised if he died in the back of that ambulance.” Sasori said, “Look at this, refined sugars, worse than fat they say these days.” he threw the cookies in the trash, “And look, Dei, look at this bag of gluten.” A bag of bread went in the trash next.

Deidara shook his head as he cleared the fridge of all sorts of food items holding them all out at arm’s length as if being near it would contaminate him and his clean chakra.

“Just throw all this out too.” Sasori said as he took all the frozen meat from the freezer.

“There! You know, he’s going to be angry, but we just saved his life, yeah.” Deidara smiled, looking very proud at the nearly empty kitchen except for a bag of kale, cauliflower, and cucumbers.

“Wait.” Sasori grabbed Deidara by the arm as he looked at the stove in horror, “That’s…Teflon.”

“No.” Deidara gasped, “We have been breathing this air that is contaminated with that poison?!” 

They scrambled to wrap all the pots and pans in a garbage bag and opened the windows, “We’ll have to cleanse the air, but first we need to get all this garbage outside.”

“Then we need to go buy some real food for when he gets home, he’ll be hungry after spending all day at the ER.” Sasori said, “Let’s go.”

On their way out of the house, they took the several bags of ‘garbage’, which was actually all of Hidan’s food and cookware, which he wasn’t going to need anymore on his new raw vegan diet, down to the trash bin at the curb. An elderly man was walking by.

“Are you throwing out all that food?” He asked.

“Yes, we are.” Deidara told him.

“Has it gone bad?”

“No, but it’s very bad for you.”

“Might I take it? I don’t have much as I’m on a fixed income and-”

“Oh my god, no!” Deidara gasped, “I couldn’t let you take and eat this! It’s utter filth! It would kill you!”

They threw the bags into the bin and felt very good about themselves as they drove in their Prius to the privately owned natural and organic food store where they spent a lot of money that they didn’t have and charged on a credit card Deidara’s dad would pay off, to buy organic fruits and vegetables and raw nuts and seeds and some alkaline waters.

“Remember not to scan them.” Sasori told the girl with pink hair at the checkout stand, “We don’t want any extra radiation from that thing to contaminate our food.” 

“I know, you tell me every time you two come in here, which is several times a week.” She said with a tight lipped smile, “But it doesn’t actually work that way, you see there’s isn’t any-”

“Shhhhhsshhhhhssshhhhshh…” Sasori shushed her, “I don’t need to hear from someone who clearly doesn’t know what they’re talking about,” he looked at her name tag, “Sakura. Just input the bar codes as usual.” He looked at her hair for a moment, “You know, bleaching your hair is very dangerous, do you know your scalp absorbs all that poison? You might as well just be shooting into your veins, I can see that your chakra is affected by it.”

Sakura took a deep breath as she started to input each and every code into the register as the line backed up and people started complaining. Someone mentioning that they were going to shop at Whole Foods from now on.

“You do that.” Sasori told them, “Go and get your extra radiations and not really organic organic foods. Support corporate greed and the like! You probably aren’t even vegan!” 

Deidara spoke very gently, “Sasori, my man…your chakra, it’s becoming angry.” 

“Oh my fucking god.” The blond boy behind them groaned.


	2. Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The thrilling conclusion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks everyone who read and liked and your comments made me laugh in a good way, thank you, please enjoy the thrilling conclusion, I’m surprised with myself that I have actually finished something in a timely manner. I drank alkaline water and used my essential oil diffuser to get in the mood for this fic.

When Hidan finally made it home that night, he was so hungry and exhausted from the ER visit he needed something fast and easy to cook and decided he would make some eggs and toast. As he unlocked the door, he hesitated before going inside, expecting to be assaulted again by his weird roommates, but they weren’t there waiting for him and all that assaulted him was the smell of essential oils and the pink glow of salt lamps.

“Hidan, you’re alive!” Deidara shouted and came rushing from the kitchen to hug him, “I thought you died or something! I couldn’t sense your chakra anymore.”

“Yeah, no I’m alive, no thanks to you two. I had to get an Uber to bring me home! I called you like ten times, why didn’t you answer?!”

“Should you be yelling like that after what happened today?” Sasori asked.

Hidan took a deep breath and slowly turned his head towards Sasori who was putting a tray into the oven, weren’t they raw vegans, why was he using the oven? He didn’t care at the moment, “I didn’t have a fucking heart attack! Or a stroke! They said it was probably just stress and to take it easy. Are you actually using the oven? Do you know how? It’s not going to toxic up the place?”

“We’re making you dinner, why don’t you sit down after you wash your hands and change all your clothes, hm.”

“What? Ok, Deidara, I get why I should wash my hands, but change all my damn clothes? You’re on fucking drugs.”

“People die in hospitals, Hidan.” Deidara told him, “There is a lot of negative energy there.”

“It’s not like I brought the grim reaper back with me, but maybe I should have…” Hidan muttered.

He refused to change his clothes but did wash his hands and then sat at the table, wondering how long it was going to be before they could eat, he didn’t smell anything cooking and couldn’t feel any heat from the oven either.

He didn’t have to wait long at all and Sasori brought the tray out of the oven, “We made bread bowl soup. You’re going to love this.” 

“I don’t smell any bread.” Hidan told him.

“I can smell it, can’t you, Dei?” Sasori asked.

“Oh yeah, I can smell it, smells delicious, hm.”

A bowl was placed in front of Hidan, with some white stuff pressed all over the inside of the bowl and with water and some vegetables floating in the water. Slamming his fist on the table, he pushed his chair back and went to the refrigerator and was met with empty shelves.

“Is there a problem with your bread bowl?” Sasori asked.

“Alright, you two fuckers are going to tell me where the hell all my food went!!” 

“It’s in the city dump.” Sasori said, “You need to change your ways and we’re going to help.”

“Oh, you are, are you? I don’t fucking think so, I’m going to the store and-”

“You know, Hidan, how much is that bill they gave you?” Deidara asked.

“The what?”

“The bill, for the ambulance ride and all that time you spent having lots and lots of tests done on you in the hospital. Do you have health insurance?”

Hidan froze. No. No he did not have health insurance.

“My granny Chiyo went to the ER once. She thought she was having a stroke, she wasn’t, but when she got the bill for $40,000 she really did have a stroke and was paralyzed on half her body.” Sasori told him, “She was never the same again…”

“Oh shit.”

“Yes, that’s right, Hidan.” Sasori said.

“What the fuck am I gonna do?” He walked back to the table and slumped down in the chair.

“Well, you know my parents are rich.” Deidara said, “My dad pays all our bills. I could talk to him and get him to pay your bill when you get it, but…”

“But? But what?!”

“You’ll have to become a raw vegan, he won’t do that for you if you’re not one.” Deidara stirred his ‘soup’ with a spoon and scooped some up to eat it, “Wow, Sasori, my man, you’ve really out done yourself this time, this cauliflower is just like sourdough!”

“Well, Hidan?” Sasori asked, holding a spoon out to him.

Hidan thought it over, he could pretend to be a raw vegan while around those two, and eat whatever he wanted while he was out. So he took the spoon, he wasn’t going to be able to pay the hospital bill without help.

Sasori and Deidara cheered and Hidan choked down his vegetable water. 

Later that night after dinner, the three of them sat cross legged on the floor in the living room surrounded by candles and essential oil diffusers for meditation hour, “It’s a good thing that wasn’t a heart attack, Hidan, hm.”

At that, Hidan just muttered, “I wish it had been.”

“So do I.” Sasori added.

“Sasori! Your chakra!” 

“Sorry…”

“But I think it was a wake up call for you to take better care of yourself, so that’s why we took it upon ourselves to help you, hm! And I’ll talk to my dad and I just know he’ll pay your hospital bill since you agreed to change your life and become a raw vegan, yeah!” Deidara nodded, his eyes closed and hands folded in front of him.

Hidan opened his eyes just a slit and looked over at Deidara and Sasori, they were so into their meditating and looked so relaxed, but Hidan just didn’t get it, he was bored and wanted to go do something, like eat, or throw his knives at the back of his bedroom door for a while, or play Russian roulette or something, anything more exciting than this. And he was so hungry and exhausted, if he hadn’t spent the entire day in the ER while he was poked and prodded and had blood drawn and gotten x-rayed and scanned and had his heart rate monitored for what felt like hours on end, he would have killed his two idiotic roommates for throwing away every last bit of actual food in the house, but he was too tired and so he would make do with the snacks he had hidden in his room after they all went to bed, they’d never know, and he could just eat whatever he wanted when he was out anyways. It wouldn’t be so bad.

“Hidan, I can feel a disturbance in your chakra, you’re not concentrating.” Sasori said, his eyes still closed.

Hidan made a face at that, “You can’t tell anything, shithead! And I’m bored, this is stupid. The fuck is chakra anyways…stupid new age shit….”

“Tch, you need to relax and focus inward, you’re going to die soon if you don’t do this, and Deidara’s dad isn’t going to pay your bill if you don’t at least try.” 

Hidan let his eyes close again and tried to focus but it was all mumbo jumbo to him and he eventually fell asleep and started snoring.

“Well, at least he relaxed, right?” Deidara said before gently lowering him onto the floor as Sasori blew out the candles. They left the essential oil diffusers going as usual and the extra large four foot salt lamp on to remove the positive ions from the air because those are bad for you. “He needs to cleanse his spirit and body, they’ll help.”

“I think he needs to do a full body detox.” Sasori suggested, “Starting tomorrow. Get the herbs ready for the baths.”

“But tomorrow is Monday, he has classes, hm.”

“We can text his boyfriend, what’s his name, Kazoo? Tell him he’s really sick. And we should drain the gas from his car, too, maybe even disconnect the battery.”

“And then we need to take his phone away. He can’t be exposed to all this radiation while detoxing, and shouldn’t be in contact with non-raw vegans.” Deidara very carefully reached into Hidan’s pocket and took out his phone, and sent a text to Kakuzu, ‘Hidan is very sick, he’ll be out of school for a while.’ And then shut the phone off and they went to bed.

Hidan, so weak from being fed nothing but vegetables and water the night before, woke feeling like he was starving, and went in search of the snacks he had hidden away in his room. Just as he was opening a bag, Sasori appeared in his doorway, “What are you doing, Hidan?”

“I’m so hungry, I need something to eat! I’m shaking!”

“That’s normal, you’ll get used to it after a couple of weeks and your body will adjust.”

“I don’t want to adjust!” Hidan reached into the bag but somehow Sasori could move very fast and grabbed the bag and ran into the bathroom where he dumped the contents into the toilet and flushed it away.

“You said you would become a raw vegan, or do you happen to have tens of thousands of dollars lying around?” 

“Fuck…”

“You may go to the living room and meditate now, think about what you’ve done. Breakfast will be ready soon.” 

By the third day Hidan really thought he was going to die, his stomach hurt and he was so weak he could hardly get up and his hands would not stop shaking. And the baths. They made him soak in near boiling herb water twice a day, all three of them together in the jacuzzi bathtub. It made Hidan feel even worse, he was so dizzy and felt like jelly when he got out they had to carry him back to his bed, and he was sure he was starting to see the chakra.

In the fog that his mind had become, Hidan wondered why no one had called to check on him, didn’t anyone care about him? Didn’t Kakuzu care at least a little? And he couldn’t remember where his phone was to call or text anyone himself.

“They’re trying to kill me.” Hidan whispered to himself, “I’m going to die.” He drug himself from the bed and waited for his vision to clear so he could look for his phone.

“Want to join us for yoga?” Deidara asked as he walked by, “What are you doing?”

“My phone. I can’t find my phone.”

“Oh, that’s because we took it. Cell phones emit radiation and we thought it would interfere with you becoming a raw vegan. You can have it back once your body has adjusted, but you’ll have to leave it shut off while you don’t use it.”

“Leave it shut off? Is that why you never answer my calls or texts? Because you never have your fucking phones on?!”

“Calm down, Hidan, come join us for yoga.”

He wrapped his arms around his stomach, “No, I fucking…feel like I’m gonna throw up.” He pushed Deidara out of the way and ran for the bathroom. Deidara followed and talked to him through the door, telling him it was normal and not to be alarmed, his body would adjust soon, it was all part of the detoxification process and withdrawals his body was going through, that being a meat and gluten eater was much like be a drug addict, the body craved those things.

“But it will all be over soon.” Deidara told him, not sounding as comforting as he thought he did.

“They’re really going to kill me…” Hidan muttered as he hung his head over the toilet.

It was many days later that Hidan finally got a chance to search for his cell phone, pretending to be asleep while Sasori and Deidara went to the store for ingredients to make dinner that night but he actually did fall asleep and when he woke up he didn’t know how much time had passed so he rushed to look for the phone.

He found it stashed away in their sock drawer and he plugged it in and called Kakuzu.

“Where the hell have you been all week, Hidan?! Kisame is pissed you missed swim practice! I had to lie and say you were sick. You better be really sick, Hidan.”

“Oh, trust me, I’ve been really fucking sick. My roommates, they’re trying to fucking kill me, you gotta come help me!” Hidan whispered.

“Why are you whispering? It’s annoying.”

“I’m afraid they’ll notice a disturbance in my chakra and come back, please, Kakuzu, you gotta save me from these fucking nutcases! I aint joking here!”

“Why don’t you just leave since they’re not home?”

“They did something to my car and I’m so fucking weak, I can barely stand. They know, Kakuzu, they know when I’m upset. They’re going to know! They’ll feel my chakra!! They’ll make me bathe with them again!”

The line was quiet and Hidan was afraid Kakuzu hung up, but then he said, “Alright, I’ll be over later tonight after class, try not to get killed by the vegan artists in the meantime.” Kakuzu laughed quietly, and Hidan felt all hope drain away.

“I’m serious, man, come get me now, I’m too weak, they’re literally starving me to death! We take herbal baths together at least twice a day! They said I can’t swallow anymore because it’s not vegan!” Hidan was near to tears and the way his voice cracked and he sniffled made Kakuzu worry for a whole second before hanging up, because he had never seen Hidan anywhere near to crying before.

The gentle hum of the Prius driving into the driveway alerted Hidan that his captors were back and he rushed to put his phone back where he had found it and go lay on his bed.

“I feel something…unnatural in the air, don’t you, Deidara?” Sasori asked as they went into their bedroom after putting away the food.

“I do, yeah, something…electric…I feel…Radiation particles in the air!”

Hidan groaned, how did they know? How did they fucking know?! 

The sound of a drawer opening told Hidan they knew, somehow. “His cell phone’s still here…” Sasori said quietly, “But…it’s warm.”

 

Deidara gasped.

Hidan felt a cold sweat break out on his skin and his stomach flip flopped in fear and hunger.

Footsteps were heard in the hall and his bedroom door creaked open.

“Hidan.” Deidara accused, “Your chakra is overflowing with radiation and negative energies! We spent so much time detoxing your body and cleansing your soul!! I trusted you! We must bathe you again!! Sasori, my man, get the bath ready!”

Hidan was too weak to fight off the skinny blond man and he was drug into the bathroom against his will as Sasori filled the large jacuzzi tub with steaming water and was dumping the strange herbal concoction into it, along with a few crystals that sunk to the bottom, and then Deidara started the essential oil diffusers. The fumes made Hidan’s head spin and he hoped he might pass out in the tub and drown. Ah yes, sweet death, he wished he would die, just drop dead right then and there and never worry about hunger again.

He was stripped to his boxers and pushed into the tub, whining, “Oww…It’s fucking hot…” 

“Is it? I think it’s just right.” Deidara said as he undressed down to his shorts, “Sasori, are you joining us? Being out in the store with those scanners, we must have picked up radiation and pollutants, we need to cleanse ourselves.”

“Let me turn on the jets first.” Sasori told him.

Bathing with his roommates in herbal water was not what Hidan expected when he asked Deidara if he could rent a room while he went to school, and he also did not expect to be blackmailed into becoming a raw vegan, but here he was. 

There was a razor on the ledge, he thought if he could reach it, he could use it to slit his wrists while the raw vegans were meditating and he would bleed to death before they noticed. The thought of them meditating in a tub filled with his blood and dead body filled him with a perverse pleasure and he would have laughed if he had the strength to do so but instead he settled for a creepy smile.

Slowly, Hidan reached for it and his fingers closed over the cold stainless steel razor, because ‘disposable plastic razors are evil and will stay in landfills for millions of years’, and he brought it to his lap and pressed the blade against his inner wrist and was about to swipe it when Sasori’s eyes snapped open.

“Hidan.” Sasori said, “Your chakra has changed.” He studied Hidan but he was just sitting there, his face flushed bright red from the heat of the bath water.

“Has it?”

“You need to meditate, hm.” Deidara told him. 

“Right…sorry…”

“What’s in your hand?” Sasori asked.

Hidan panicked and didn’t answer and then they were both on him each grabbing an arm and raising it out of the water, Sasori demanded as he wrestled it free of Hidan’s weak grasp, “And what were you going to do with this?”

“Um…” Cut my fucking wrists and then my throat and watch you bathe in my blood as I die, assholes, “Shave? I’m…on the swim team and we have to shave. Kisame gets really angry when we don’t, says something about aerodynamics or whatever, and how body hair slows you down in the water. It actually does, you gotta be super smooth. He makes us rub ourselves down in gelatin.”

“That is disgusting, you’ll do no such thing!” Sasori shouted, “No, you’ll just have to tell him you can’t oil yourself up in the gelled bones of an animal anymore!”

“Yeah, that’s nasty and cruel, but we can help you with the shaving, Hidan. Your hands aren’t steady enough, you might cut yourself.” Deidara smiled, “Where did you want to shave?”

“My balls. Lick them while you’re down there, too.” Hidan told him and Deidara immediately backed off, Hidan rolled his eyes as an idea came to him, “My legs and arms and…well, basically everywhere except my head. I haven’t shaved in a while. Kisame will kill me when he sees me.” If you two don’t first, he thought silently.

So Deidara and Sasori sat there with a razor each and shaved Hidan’s chest, legs and arms, “This is so soothing, you know, this hair was grown while you were eating animal products, so it’s good to get rid of it, hm. It’s like you’re losing a layer of your old self, yeah.” Deidara seemed really into the shaving.

As they were shaving him, Hidan kept moving ‘on accident’ so that the razor sliced into him, but unfortunately none of the cuts were anywhere near deep enough to make him bleed to death, “Sorry…” He said, mostly to himself and he leaned back and let himself be shaved by the vegans.

After the shaving was complete, they drained the tub and refilled it, and added fresh herbs. Hidan hoped and prayed to pass out, to hit his head and die, how much more of this could he really take? Not much.

“We have a pizza party planned for you tonight, you’ve done so well this week, we wanted to reward you!” Deidara said with a smile, “You’re really going to love this, it’s going to be such a treat!” 

“Pizza?” Hidan repeated, his mouth watered, thoughts of death suddenly gone from his head and he sat up, water sloshing over the side of the tub onto the floor.

“Yeah, that’s why we went to the store, hm!” Deidara nodded.

“Hidan…you need to close your eyes and meditate…focus on all the radiation being drawn out into the bath tub…” Sasori said, “Shall we give you a massage to help you focus?”

“No.” Hidan said, “Keep your hands to yourself, you two shaving me was weird enough.”

“You liked it.” Sasori said, “I could tell, your chakra gave you away.”

 

Once the bath was over, which was determined by Sasori sensing when everyone’s chakra was cleansed and calm, they all laid on their backs in the living room with crystals placed along their bodies, Hidan passed out from lack of food and the double bath, so Sasori and Deidara stacked their crystals onto Hidan and left him there to prepare the pizza for him.

They had just finished when there was a knock on the door, “Ooh, I wonder who that could be.” Deidara said and wiped his hands on a towel as he went to open the door, Sasori following behind.

“Kazoo.” Sasori said, “What a surprise.”

“My name is Kakuzu. Ka. Ku. Zu. Not kazoo. Where the hell is Hidan? He’s missed all his classes this week, isn’t answering his phone and Kisame’s about to kick him off the swim team. Is he really that sick?”

“Oh, well, we might have lied,” Deidara giggled, “he wasn’t sick, he’s been detoxing this week as part of a new lifestyle change he agreed to. He is now a raw vegan! I’m so proud, I think I’m going to cry.” Deidara wiped his eyes and Sasori handed him a reusable tissue.

Kakuzu’s eyes narrowed, “I want to see him.” Perhaps it had been true, maybe they were trying to kill him. Kakuzu felt like a dick, he should have come over sooner to check on Hidan.

“Then come in, he’s in the living room.” Sasori said, “But don’t disturb him, his chakra has become cleansed.”

“Chakra? You two are fucked in the head.” Kakuzu said as he walked in.

“Stop!” Deidara said, “You can’t come into this space and fill it with foul, negative vibes. If you don’t stop insulting us and how we choose to live our lives, you’ll just have to leave, hm!”

Kakuzu was tempted to leave just then but he really needed to check on Hidan, so he agreed to not be negative and they let him in, only after making him remove his shoes.

Walking into the living room, Kakuzu froze when he saw Hidan, passed out on his back and covered in crystals, there was a circle of tea lights around him and several salt rock lamps around the room. It smelled like a mixture of several different flowers and plants and he wondered if Hidan was dead, he was much paler than the last time Kakuzu had seen him, and very thin.

“What is this? Did you two sacrifice him to whatever deity you believe in?” 

“No, he passed out, he’s not been feeling well the last few days.” Deidara said, “It happens sometimes when you drastically change your diet, but we made him pizza tonight.” 

Kakuzu crouched next to Hidan and shook him, “Hidan. Hidan! Wake up.”

Hidan was unresponsive and so Kakuzu checked for a pulse, it was there, but it was slow, and Kakuzu shook him again.

“Huh?” Hidan’s eyes fluttered open and he looked around.

“Hidan.”

“Kakuzuuu…Is that you? I can…I can feel your chakra…”

“Shut up. Can you sit?” 

“Fu…ck…” Hidan felt like jelly and slumped forward into Kakuzu’s chest.

“He needs some pizza!” Deidara said, “Sasori, is it ready?” 

“Pizza…” Hidan groaned, “Please, give me food…What…is all this?” He waved his hand in front of his face, “Whoa…”

“That’s chakra, Hidan, isn’t it beautiful?” Deidara asked.

Kakuzu looked at Hidan, “Are you all on drugs?”

“Look, my chakra…” Hidan said in a dreamy voice, “You have some too.” He climbed onto Kakuzu, “Let me taste it.” He went to lick Kakuzu’s cheek but Kakuzu leaned away, an arm going around Hidan to keep him from toppling over.

“Sasori, hurry up with the pizza!” Deidara called out, “He can see chakra now, we must reward him!”

Kakuzu couldn’t smell any pizza cooking and wondered what they were going to bring him but didn’t have to wonder for long. Sasori came back with a stoneware pizza dish covered in cucumbers. Thickly sliced cucumbers arranged in a circle, with what looked like a cucumber puree poured on top and grated cucumber on top of that. It looked disgusting.

“This is a raw vegan cucumber pizza.” Sasori said, grabbing a handful of it and eating it, “You can’t even tell it’s not real pizza.”

“Ooh, let me try!” Deidara said, taking a handful and pouring it into his mouth, he gasped in delight, “You’re right! I can’t even tell, it tastes just like pizza!”

“Pizza.” Hidan said, pushing away from Kakuzu and crawling over to the coffee table, expecting a real pizza, but being met with a plate of cucumbers.

“Dig in, Hidan, it’s delicious!” Deidara said, “Here, let me get you a slice.” He scooped some cucumbers into his hands, “We grated a cucumber over the top as a healthy substitute for cheese. Because as you know, cheese is the worst source of cheese, but you can’t even tell this isn’t real cheese. I’m really getting the full pizza experience here, hm! Just because we’re raw vegans doesn’t mean we’re missing out on anything!” 

Hidan stared down at Deidara’s hands, feeling like his puppy just got run over and then backed over and run over again, he felt like crying, like screaming, like killing. Yes. The urge to kill suddenly took over and he slapped Deidara’s hands away, cucumber went flying through the air and splattered against the wall. Deidara looked terrified.

“H,hidan, your chakra!”

“I’m going to fucking kill you two and eat your bodies raw!” He snarled with a feral look on his face, “I’m going to become a raw cannibal!! A raw vegan cannibal!!!” He lunged at Deidara. Deidara screamed bloody murder.

Sasori screamed as Hidan’s chakra went from pale blue to red to black.

And Kakuzu froze, he had never see Hidan so terrifying in his life, and he had witnessed many fights he had gotten into before, but he had been nothing like this, he watched as Hidan tore chunks out of Deidara’s arm before he ran forward to grab Hidan off the vegan.

Blood, so much blood. It was all over the floor, the pizza, but mostly all over Hidan, he had a hunk of meat in his mouth and was snarling and chewing on it while trying to go for another bite. By the time Kakuzu was able to pull Hidan off, Deidara was missing a very large chunk of his forearm and as disgusting as it was, Kakuzu had to fight to get it out of Hidan’s mouth as if he were a rabid dog, but he saw him swallow something and knew he had eaten part of their friends arm.

The police came and broke down the door, called by a neighbor who heard the screaming, and Hidan was arrested, “It was self defense!!” He shrieked as they drug him kicking and screaming to the squad car, his face was covered in blood and he had a wild look in his magenta colored eyes, “They were fucking trying to kill me!! I almost died!! They were starving me! Forcing me to bathe with them!! Kakuzu!!! Help me!! They put crystals all over me and made me meditate!! You all have dirty chakra!! I can see it now!! I CAN SEE THE CHAKRA!!” He screamed and twisted around, trying to see Kakuzu who was also being lead out in handcuffs.

Neighbors stood on the sidewalk watching in horror.

“Get in the car! Don’t you bite me!!” Hidan was slammed into the backseat and handcuffed to the car and the door slammed shut as they put Kakuzu into a different car. Kakuzu saw Hidan press his bloody face to the window, smearing it red and flicking his tongue out to lick it.

Deidara was rushed to the local hospital where he lost his arm from the elbow down and Sasori was admitted to the psych ward for evaluation as all he could do was rock back and forth and mumble about an evil chakra, negative energies, and blood, so much blood and wanting a cleansing herbal soak.

Hidan was later taken to the hospital for malnourishment when he collapsed in the holding cell and was unable to get up or move on his own and his heart almost stopped.

All four of them were tested for drugs and it came back that Sasori, Deidara and Hidan’s blood was full of drugs and toxins from the constant use of essential oil diffusers and salt rock lamps which were full of lead and other chemicals because Sasori had been unknowingly buying fakes, and herbal baths that ended up consisting of a lot of marijuana and mushrooms along with some lavender and rosemary and sage. Kakuzu’s blood work returned as inconclusive but since he was caught with them, he was sentenced with them.

Six months in rehab, no jail time since no one wanted to ‘contaminate their chakra’ by pressing charges. 

~~One Year Later~~

Hidan tried to run away from rehab at least once a week, claiming they were starving him as he was fed an all vegetarian diet just like everyone else in the facility. He lost his position on the swim team and had to repeat a year of college and took up weight training to gain back all the muscle he had lost while being held captive and starved half to death. When ever he sees a vegan food product in the stores, he has flashbacks, freaks out and swears he can see his chakra. 

Kakuzu did not have to repeat a year of college, because he wasn’t going to pay more money for that, and finished the current semester from rehab since there was not a whole lot else to do there. He did not enjoy the required goat yoga sessions on the cliff overlooking the beach early in the mornings as he did not enjoy or appreciate having a goat stand on his back and refused to eat another piece of lettuce the rest of his life.

Sasori and Deidara enjoyed rehab so much that they dropped out of school and opened their own rehab facility for new converts to raw veganism which they thought was very successful but had a high suicide rate and was shut down within the first year and they now facing legal charges. But Deidara’s parents are rich and will take care of everything and his dad eventually agreed to pay Hidan’s medical bills after being threatened to have his chakra tainted.

~~The End~~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, I hope you enjoyed this ridiculous fic.


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